Kouji Muses
by energy
Summary: A little something that started in my head when i was thinking about Kouji's character. Kouji ponders how he's changed since he arrived in the digital world. R&R --energy


It's kind of hard for me to believe that I can actually feel anything anymore. For so long now I've done nothing but shove everyone away. I've not allowed myself to experience anything that normal people would consider part of every day life. I've been a loner now for as long as I can remember. I know that might not sound like a whole bunch coming from someone you likely see as a child, but from my perspective it is.  
  
I've often asked myself why I've become this way but I've never really found a good answer. Maybe there's not one out there. Maybe there is but I'm not ready to find it yet. I don't know. One thing I do know is that no matter how hard I've tried to stay insulated in my little world, I'm slowly being drawn out of it and I'm helpless to stop it.  
  
When I first came to the digital world I could happily not speak to anyone or anything for days. I just wanted to be left alone. I got my wish for a while. No family to bother me, no school mates, none of that. I could slowly walk around and not have to worry about someone making some inane comment and spoiling the silence. Well, that all changed when I met up with the other kids.  
  
When I first saw them I wished I was invisible. That way I'd not have to deal with them unless I for some odd reason wanted to. But, since I'm not invisible, they saw me. The fat one, JP, I quickly decided was a moron. I was amazed he could walk and talk at the same time. The girl, Izumi, seemed like the world's largest snob. She could have imploded for all I cared. The little boy, Tomoki, was...well, a little boy. I didn't have time for that sort of thing. Then there was Takuya. He is the kind of boy that parents wish that was the friend of their child. He was an anti-me.  
  
In order to drive them away I put on my typical punk routine. I didn't need them to do whatever it was that I had to do here in the digital world and I let them know that. It worked on three of them, Izumi, Junpei, and Tomoki. Takuya on the other hand, wasn't put off one bit by my attitude and I wanted to kill him for it. Who was he to not play by my rules? No one likes Kouji. That's the way it is. Well, all that was then. This is now.  
  
Slowly but surely Takuya has been dragging me out of my shell. I honestly don't hate him for it anymore, even though I still make it difficult for him. All the times that he has chased me down when I've left the group, and there have been many, I end up coming back with him. I don't know why. The me of a few weeks ago (or has it been months? I really don't know anymore) would never have allowed that to happen.  
  
Why on earth would he go to all the trouble over someone like me? I've given him almost as much grief as I have the others combined, and with Junpei, that's a lot. I guess he's more one-tracked than a Trailmon. Once he gets an idea in his head I guess that there is no stopping that boy.  
  
Another thing that the me that first came to the digital world would never admit it that I like him for trying. I think I'm finally beginning to feel what people call friendship, even though I don't want him to know that yet. Honestly, I'm surprised that I've held out this long. He's like a cute little puppy that no matter how angry or upset you are still somehow finds a way to make you smile. I used to hate him for it, but now I don't. I don't think anyone could really hate Takuya. Ever.  
  
When I first got my Spirit, I was quite surprised to find that it was that of light. It seemed quite a mismatch. I felt anything but light inside. I felt more like a really dark shade of grey. Not quite black, but really dark. Maybe whoever saw fit to give me the spirit could look underneath everything I was and could see what I would become. I don't know, but I hope I can live up to the moniker of light.  
  
I still find it odd to wake up to a smiling face or hear someone tell me 'good morning'. Don't misunderstand me, my father and stepmother were very nice people but when they would tell me 'good morning' I think it was mostly because it was the polite thing to do. Izumi always has a large grin on her face when I see her in the morning and it's not one of those phony smiles, but a real one that means something.  
  
Every morning Takuya asks me if I slept well even though my response is always the same, "sort of". I can't let him know that I almost dread going to sleep or that I have constant nightmares. I also don't want him to know that I wake up countless times during the night. I know he has seen me a few times coming back from a late night stroll but he's never mentioned it. If he only knew how many times it really was... Maybe someday I will let him know all that, about what the nightmares are, but not yet. It's still too hard for me.  
  
I guess things are getting easier even if I don't want them to. I guess friendship is like some sort of contagious virus; if you're around it long enough you are bound to catch it. Before I came here I did everything I could to keep myself isolated from the virus. My attitude was like my own little space suit. Nothing could get in unless I allowed it to, and I never did.  
  
Somewhere along the way Takuya ripped a gaping hole in my suit. I didn't notice it at first and by the time I did it was too late. I've gone and stepped out of the suit now, tossing it aside like yesterday's trash. I think it was his eyes that caused the first small tear. They were always filled with kindness. Once the little tear was made his smile did the rest of the job. It burst the seams out in a hurry.  
  
No matter how dark a grey I was feeling, that crooked grin would snap me back to the positive side. At first I really didn't know how to handle feeling that way. I'd spent as long as I could remember on the down side and all of a sudden everything was turned upside down. It took a while to get used to, it really did. I wish I could think of some fancy metaphor to help explain it, but I can't. Nothing seems opposite enough to describe it properly. I guess the old classic 'night and day' metaphor is close, but still not what I'm talking about.  
  
A few mornings ago Takuya decided that he'd wake me up by tickling my nose with a feather. I vaguely remember swiping at my nose a few times just before I woke up. When I completely woke up I saw Takuya and Tomoki doubled over in hysterics, laughing at me. The old Kouji would have probably have gave the two of them a good verbal thrashing, but that Kouji is gone. Instead, I smiled at them and even laughed a bit myself. Hearing the two of them laugh, I couldn't help myself. Apparently laughter, like friendship, is contagious.  
  
I guess that getting a little 'sick' isn't such a bad thing, really. I've decided that it is much better to be this way than the way I was before. In fact, I can hardly remember what I even felt like before. I still don't want to tell Takuya this, but I think I like it. If he knew, he wouldn't try as hard anymore and I don't want that.  
Hey, I actually posted something. It's been a while now, almost a month I think. Anyway, I was in the mood to write a little Kouji for some reason and this fell out. Let me know what you think about it.  
  
energy 


End file.
